Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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