On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
