We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
