This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
