Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
