your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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