i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
