The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
