I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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