When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
