never play flip cup with pint glasses
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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