my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
MIDGETS
????
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
