talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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