This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
