Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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