its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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