hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
