Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
