I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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