somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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