my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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