My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
