If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
