Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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