he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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