At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
