If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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