If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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