Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
