my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
