My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
