seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I FOUND THE LEGS
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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