is your mom at the bar?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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