8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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