so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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