please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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