Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
