dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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