cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
