your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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