I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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