HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
