so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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