Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
