Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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