i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
