Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
