i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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