Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
