He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
